


Enough.

by Aliyah_Blush



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Anxiety, Gay, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24526759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aliyah_Blush/pseuds/Aliyah_Blush
Summary: Should it feel wrong to want something you can't have?It shouldn't, but it does.Not only does it feel wrong, but it feels like shit.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 7
Kudos: 68





	Enough.

There was warmth where there wasn't before.

The interviewer was saying something, and it was all blurred to Jaebeom.

A hand lay on his right thigh, giving him a soft yet subtle squeeze now and then, radiating ripples throughout his entire leg, every time.

This was Jinyoung's hand.

It was such a mundane gesture, and Jaebeom kept convincing himself to ignore it like it was nothing. This _feeling_. This feeling of... _excitement_?

He stared at the hand that looked all too comfortable in its' place, his mind floating off into space again.

"Jaebeom-shi, how did you come about the inspiration for writing your song, CRAZY, on this album? " the interviewer had directed the question to the leader.

And there it was. That squeeze again.

Jaebeom's leg vibrated uncontrollably, and he grew just a tiny bit frightened at the immensity of the unwarranted feeling.

Through a flurry of thoughts, a silky, deep voice came from the same side of this ordinary, and suddenly _dangerous_ hand.

"Hyung... the interviewer is talking to you."

It was Jinyoung's, of course. 

This was a voice that, on any other day, would feel familiar to him, worn-out in a way, like an old raincoat to rely on for last minute rain; comforting, since he practically grew up with Jinyoung's voice by his side.

On _this particular_ day, however, said voice seemed just as threatening as the hand that now appeared like a ticking bomb on his lap. 

The older boy was picking up on all the layers of subtle honey that was this voice, and it tickled his ears.

_Pleasantly_.

_Almost too pleasantly._

He felt hot, and he was pretty sure his ears were bright red.

And in that moment he had to breathe in deeply to shake it off.

Because he was a professional.

_Right. The question._

"I'm so sorry, can you repeat the question? I am very tired today." Jaebeom finally came to his senses enough to answer the lady. He also took this moment of clarity to swat away Jinyoung's hand from his thigh quickly, like a pesky mosquito.

"Of course! What inspired you to write your song 'Crazy'?"

The question bounced off the interviewer one second and echoed in the leader's mind the next.

And of course, out of all questions, _right now_ , in the state of mind Jaebeom was trying so hard to stifle, _this_ question was the worse one.

Beads of cold sweat began to collect on his back.

There was a kind of _breaking_ inside of him, and he felt his stomach churn.

"Uhhhhh. Crazy?" He repeated, trying to ground himself with the fact that they were all still in an interview. 

With cameras. 

And people.

He blinked, and tried to focus on the women's face, the one who had _no idea_ what she was triggering right now. It was a feminine and sweet face he would have otherwise found attractive, had he not been seeing white spots instead.

His left ear twitched at the sound of snickers coming from the '97 liners on the side.

_Shut up._

"Jaebeom?"

Pure honey from his right.

And he felt hot all over again. This time, it wasn't just his ears that were red. 

He felt _naked_.

He wanted to squirm in his seat.

His eyes fell to his now-empty lap, feeling somber about the fact that it was, indeed, _empty_ and without the hand that was once there. This was followed by confusion. 

And whatever he did, he could **not**. 

Let. 

Himself. 

Look. 

At. 

Jinyoung.

**_In my frozen heart  
Darkness falls, even the night sky   
Can't hide it, you're beautiful   
I'm dancing with you  
I want it, keep going_ **

The lyrics of CRAZY came through a window of his mind.

What inspired him to write that song, _really_?

The enemy struck a new maneuver.   
He felt Jinyoung's strong arm snake around his shoulders.

His eyes went wide, and in a moment of weakness accompanied by pure dread, he tilted his head ever-so slightly to finally see the face of the man he knew all too well at his right.

Soft, doe-brown eyes with a hint of worry, through lashes thick enough to bat him away.

A second is all it took.

It was as if there was a tightening rope around his neck.

_Tears_? Were there _tears_ in his own?

_What the fuck was happening?_

Jaebeom shot up in his chair like a meerkat popping from its burrow.

"Uh, I'm so sorry, I need the washroom. Please continue without me." The words splurged out of his mouth as he sped across the studio to find the restroom. He nearly tripped on Jackson and a stool on his way out.

_Where was the goddamn bathroom?_

Through his spotty vision and ringing ears, he saw a blue door at the end of the lowly lit hallway with a stick-figured man on it. 

_International symbol for desperate bladder-emptying in public._

Jaebeom smashed through the swinging doors and scurried over to the sinks.

A glimpse of himself in the mirror made him pause at the sight.

As he had predicted, his entire face was crimson, and there were indeed traces of moisture in his eyes.

_Why_? 

Why did he panic?

He couldn't look himself in the eyes anymore.

The only word that kept repeating in his mind was **_FAILURE_**.

He had _failed_.

_At what?_

There was something he had buried deep inside of himself.

Something he had locked away, somewhere deep and dark.

Something _old_ , something that he got so used to neglecting that it became numb at the back of his subconscious.

_Years and years ago._

And it had come rushing back, nearly knocking all the wind out of him.

He was feeling it _deep_ in his gut.

...

_your feelings_

_your feelings for_

_your feelings for_

_..._

_jinyoung_

_..._

_Your Feelings for Jinyoung._

**Your.**

**_FEELINGS_ **

**for _JINYOUNG_.**

_**YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR JINYOUNG!** _

The room was spinning.

_Your best friend of a decade.  
_

_..._

_Idiot._

He felt scared and small in light of this renewed revelation.

It was so hard the _first_ time. He wasn't sure if he can go through all of this _again_.

But he knew he had to. 

Because it's bigger this time. 

It's not just JJproject. It's Got7. _Seven_ of them.

They all had worked so hard to get where they are. Something as meaningless as this he should not allow to ruin their image.

To ruin their relationship. Their bond.

...

_Was it meaningless?_

_..._

Was it so _meaningless_ , that every time Jinyoung came into a room, Jaebeom would sit just a _little_ straighter?

Was it so _meaningless_ , that a single smirk from Jinyoung can change the entire mood of Jaebeom's day?

That he would have to go for runs at night to distract himself from thinking of Jinyoung for too long? ... Because if he thought for more than _three minutes_ about the younger man, it would _not_ just be about work?

That _one touch_ of his hand could send chills through Jaebeom's _entire_ body?

And that he had to endure this for nearly _ten years_? Every single day? Every single night?

Was it _really_ so _meaningless_?

A sob crawled out of his throat. It wasn't graceful.

It was ugly.

The kind of ugly you get from being caught in the rain with a face full of makeup, and not the waterproof kind.

He felt confused and angry and sad and frustrated.

And **_guilty_**. So very _guilty_.

Yet, through all of that, he also felt certainty.

He knew all _too well_ how to go about this.

He's done it before. _**For ten years.**_ He can do it again, he thought bitterly.

_Right_?

_Maybe I should just tell Jinyoung._

He looked up at himself in the mirror again, shook his head.

The sobs fell silent.

_No. You can't._

He put his straight face on, and it was almost convincing, had it not been for the wetness and puffiness from his crying.

Just as responsible leaders are supposed to, Jaebeom started to make a plan to get his act together.

He couldn't _allow_ himself to be that _selfish_. For the sake of the others. For the sake of Jinyoung. For the sake of _himself_.

He would just wait for their contract with JYP to end and then try to make it solo. If not as a singer, then as a producer.

That way he would see Jinyoung almost never, unless on special occasions. It would make things easier.

He stifled the knot in his throat at the thought of not seeing the brown-eyed man every week.

_Just keep your distance until then._

He swallowed.

_Sounds like a plan._

The leader decided to give his puffy red face a thorough rinse with ice cold water.

He was okay. He was going to be okay.

Jaebeom stood straight again, smoothed out his collar and tucked his hair behind his ears.

As he turned to leave the bathroom and go back to that awful interview, the door swung open and a man walked into the washroom to face him.

_Chocolate brown eyes, voice of honey._

_Jinyoung_.

"Hyung, are you okay?" He asked, his full, wonderfully arched eyebrows, quilted with genuine apprehension.

_Be responsible._

"I'm fine, just leave me alone."

Jaebeom stood taller and tried to walk past the ebony-haired man.

But of course, Jinyoung was not going to have any of it. He grappled the leader's shirt, and pulled him around to face him again.

_Be **responsible**._

Jaebeom had to quickly remind himself of all the justifying he did in his head moments ago. 

All the reasons why he should say _nothing_.

But he became painfully aware of their proximity. Of course, he couldn't bring himself to look at him, so he just stared at his own two feet and wondered why he decided to wear his worn out black converse to an interview.

After a couple seconds of gruesome silence, he felt his face being lifted and observed by the adverse male who stood before him. His eyes stayed nailed to the floor. He felt his heart rate pick up at the feel of Jinyoung's smooth skin on his face and unconsented thoughts invaded him momentarily of all the other places he wanted to touch that soft skin.

And there was the heat again, flushing every inch of his body.

_Breathe_.

_Be fucking responsib--_

"Were you crying?" Jinyoung asked.

_Fuck_.

"Why does everyone keep asking me fucking questions?" he pulled away again, briefly, trying to throw off the younger man. 

It was to no avail.

Jinyoung swung him right back in a second, and Jaebeom was reminded of how strong he really was.

_Great_.

This time, he gripped the leader with both of his hand, one at his chest, with a fistful of the man's shirt and the other, tightly cuffing his wrist.

Jaebeom finally met Jinyoung's eyes with his own, fuming with anger.

Those chocolate orbs fell confused and pained while looking back at his own.

"Are you mad at me for something ?" He asked cautiously, as if braving himself for something hurtful.

_No._

_Yes?_

_No._

Jaebeom really didn't want to hurt him. His eyes grew gentle towards the man who was holding him in his place so firmly.

A few more moments went by in silence.

It was a _different_ kind of silence.

The type of silence that comes after a war is settled.

A _peaceful_ kind of silence.

Jaebeom relaxed his stance so that the younger man wouldn't have to hold so hard. He took this time to really _look_ at the man in front of him.

He _let_ himself take it all in.

The curves of his face that he loved so much.

His big, goofy ears catching the light behind him.

The shape of his Adam's apple and the way it bobbed every time he swallowed.

The shape of his chest through his shirt that he admired.

The way he was only a centimetre shorter than himself, but it was the perfect height for Jaeboem to angle his head slightly to kiss Jinyoung's full, rose coloured upper-lip.

His heart thumped in his chest as he lingered longer on the thought of kissing him.

_Fuck responsibility._

A sigh released itself, uninvited, from his mouth.

_There was no avoiding this._

The words were pooling to the tip of his tongue.

"It's _you_..." the leader said weakly, looking at anything other than the young man's face that was only inches away from him.

"Huh?" Jinyoung pushed for clearer answers.

Jaeboem looked back up, but not at his eyes. He avoided them with all his might. Instead he settled his gaze on the man's left cheek.

"You make me crazy." he was able to get out, in the smallest voice. He cringed inwardly at his own cowardice.

"What? I don't understand ?" Jinyoung replied, searching Jaebeom's face for clarification.

_This is too hard._

"I know. I don't either. It's fine. Let's just go back, there's no point in telling you. " the older of the two shrugged Jinyoung off and started walking towards the door again.

And Jaebeom _hated_ that he wasn't being pulled in again.

"Wait! Just wait. Tell me _what_? Please just _talk_ to me." the younger called out after him.

He stopped in his tracks.

Why did he keep running away?

Because he _knew_.

He knew _talking_ wasn't going to help.

And he knew he shouldn't do what he really wanted to do right now. 

But that room had him and his heavy heart in a vulnerable place.

He turned back.

He turned back to the beautiful man he wanted to hold so closely.

And he was determined.

Jinyoung remained confused as he watched him take those strides towards him, a look on his face that he could not read.

Jaebeom finally reached his destination. 

Without hesitation or words, he held Jinyoung's jaw in his hands and lifted his face up to his own to seal the empty space between them.

He had connected their lips.

In doing so, he had accidentally collided their bodies, and together they were clumsily backed up against the bathroom counter.

Jaeboem felt like he was going to burst. A strong sensation of what seemed like a combination of truth and honesty erupted internally as he so desperately kept Jinyoung's warm lips on his own.

He had been waiting forever for this.

Holding onto the man in his arms for dear life, he realized he was scared to let go. 

Because if this ended, he knew he would have to be faced with changes and rejection that he really didn't want to feel.

But Jinyoung wasn't moving. He was frozen.

_That was bad._

The guilt started creeping back into Jaebeom and he realized how _selfish_ this was, even after all the planning and recollecting he did moments before this man, his best friend, came into the bathroom. 

And now he was in his arms.

_At last._

He fought with himself to pull away, even if his entire being was _screaming_ not to.

The second he did, he felt cold and useless.

He took a step back from Jinyoung, and automatically covered his face from embarrassment.

"I- I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry." The words were scrambled and stuttered. "Please don't hate me."

The nerves were making him tremble in his spot, shivers wracking his frame with anxiety.

Meanwhile, Jinyoung stood in shock and touched his lips.

_Did that really just happen?_

He looked back at the man in front of him, who was speaking and acting like the Jaebeom he knew for years. He could tell how helpless and confused he was just by his stance.

Jaebeom looked to him like a scared, cornered kitten who ran away after hearing a loud noise.

_His_ Jaeboem.

The one who had just _kissed_ him.

_Hate_ him? He couldn't. _Ever_.

Because Jinyoung already knew just how much he loved _that_ man _._

And all he wanted to do right now, through all of the confusion and surprising _joy_ that was building explosively in his chest, was to hug and caress Jaebeom with all of himself.

"Now why would I ever _hate_ you?" heard Jaebeom through his state of internalized chaos.

He then felt those big, velvety, warm hands hold his own, and slowly push them aside from his face.

His heart did a somersault at the sight in front of him.

Jinyoung was _smiling_. Big and bright. A full smile.

He couldn't breathe.

_What was happening? Why wasn't he angry? Why didn't he look disgusted?_

He was sure he was going to have a heart attack.

"You... don't think I'm gross?"

Jinyoung scrunched his face in disbelief and shook his head, then proceeded to lightly smooth out a lock of Jaebeom's hair. 

He shivered at the contact. It was so _gentle_.

They looked at each other as if their opposite was a piece of fragile crystal, and they were ready to walk on eggshells forever so as to not break the other.

"Jaebeom." said the younger man, wrapping his arms around the leader's waist. He stiffened at the embrace, not used to such blatant affection from the one he wanted it most from.

He felt dizzy, as he watched Jinyoung's face go stern.

"I think I love you." The words coming out of Jinyoung's moving lips made Jaeboem's heart stop completely for a second. He couldn't keep his eyes off them now.

Page started playing in his head.

"Are you singing the song right now?" he whispered.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and shook his head again.

He rested his forehead on Jaeboem's. They could feel the heat of each others breath on their faces, sending tingles and goosebumps down their backs.

"Idiot." muttered Jinyoung. He had said such an insulting word with so much _tenderness_ , it made the hairs on the back Jaeboem's neck rise.

A magnetic force pulled their faces closer and closer, slow, unsure and torturous until their lips met again.

They didn't know what was going to happen.

They didn't know what people would think.

Or how things were going to go.

Neither of them knew really _anything_ , for certain.

But they did know one thing.

They both knew that they were _something_ to each other.

_Something precious._

And that was **enough**.

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